Being an Essential Worker sucks.

Essential Worker

I’m an Essential Worker but I’ll get to that in a moment. It’s 10pm on a Tuesday. My neighbors text me that my sprinkler has been running for about 5 hours and my lawn looks like a puddled mess. Oops.

Yeah, I know. How awful of a problem to have. I left my fucking sprinkler on. I am guessing some of you are thinking, “At least you have a lawn.” Yep, I absolutely do. Well, eat shit. Having a lawn sucks, especially in a neighborhood that has some kind of lawn cutting competition.

Perhaps you can tell, I am not a fan of my lawn. I don’t care if its diagonal, horizontal, or vertical. I just cut in a damn circle until I get in the middle. Job is done, time for beer. Except yesterday, I hit a ground nest of fucking bees.

It’s so great to have a lawn that fights back. I took 3 hits to the head and 2 on the wrist. My hand swelled up like a head of a penis getting laid for the first time. This is a picture after I had ice on it for a hour.

Sorry, for the dirty dishes. If it bothers you come fucking wash them with a swollen hand you can’t close, because your dishwasher broke last year. Yes, last year. Just because I have a lawn, doesn’t mean I live in luxury.

Back to my original story.  Being an essential worker during Covid19,  Corona virus, bat digestion disease, (what ever it is this week.)  is a personal challenge.  I walk outside and all my neighbors are outside in one of the garages, (ooooooh, you have a garage too.)  pounding down beers.  Apparently I am the only one who is working in my neighborhood.


Out of pure spite, or jealousy, (pick one) I snarled inside. I have a minimum 10 hour shift in the morning, and the cigar smoke and the sound of beer cans opening, will challenge any functioning alcoholic. Seeing me outside triggered some kind of celebration, as everyone rushed over to watch me turn off the sprinkler.

“You, want a beer?”

“You, want a beer?”

Of course I want a fucking beer. But, by sure willpower alone I refused. My inner responsibility kicked in to the human race. The world needs me! I shall not have a beer! I am an essential worker!

Night, after night for almost 6 months now I watch the night parties.  Absolutely, I am jealous. Day, after day I see people missing at work, for Corona virus testing. When will it be me? I long for a quarantine. Don’t get me wrong, I understand the threats upon man kind. Which, is why I get up and go to work. But damn, 2 weeks off minimum would feel great right now. I know, I am not alone in my thinking, essential workers are beyond exhausted. Party on you lucky fucks.

Unfortunately, with great power, comes great responsibility.

This has been Drunken Spidey. Until next time, throw me a beer (As long as I have off the next day.)!

P.S.  Thank you, all “Essential” workers. Especially the ones who aren’t getting hazard pay.  You are not alone.